Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Mr. Dave is No Longer a Bologna Virgin

Recently I did a post about consuming my first Big Mac. This made me think that there are many shockingly common foods that I have managed to avoid consuming for nigh 30 years, one of them being bologna. My parents really never bought it. I decided to take the plunge by whipping up an Oscar Meyer beef bologna sandwich. Frankly, the stuff skeeves me and I don't think that I could stomach it cold, so I am going with a fried bologna sarnie.

Upon opening the package I smelled a definitive hot dog-esque stench. This made sense as the pinkish slices kind of look like they were carved off of a giant hot dog.

I threw the slices in a pan and began to fry.

Notice how the slices domed up a little, they looked kind of like little bologna boobs. I attribute this to the high water content of the bologna creating a large amount of steam. Adding water is a good way to up the weight without actually using meat. Eventually the slices deflated and began to fry a little.

I was a little unsettled by the appearance of the cooking bologna, it somehow sort of looked like cooking pieces of human flesh. Shudder. But I persevered. Onto a hard roll went the slices.

Here is the proof that I actually consumed the sarnie. Notice the bologna grease on the plate.

Lets just say this was probably my first, and final bologna sandwich. It tastes like cheap hot dog, and if I want cheap hot dog I will eat a cheap hot dog. Something about the mushy texture grossed me out a little too. Also, it was over sweet. Corn syrup is the second or third ingredient and there was a lot of blackened sugar left in the pan after frying. I can't imagine eating these daily for lunch as many of my compatriots seem to have done. I will take peanut butter any day.

Well that was that. Next I am contemplating eating a banana. That's right folks, I have never eaten a banana. The smell grosses me out. My sister used to chase me around with a banana peel because she knew I hated them so much.


  1. Banana with peanut butter, can't go wrong.. As a side note, I have a friend who'd never had a strawberry until he was 32. Claimed the thought of the little seeds grossed him out, so one drunken evening I peeled a strawberry for him. Loved it.

  2. That's so weird, I once dated a guy who couldn't eat bananas because his sister pushed one up his nose when he was little. Apparently it's a really common food to be traumatised by...

  3. well, you ate the wrong kinda bologna. White Eagle Ring Bologna, dog! it's the tits!!!

  4. Rolf's might be able to hook you up with something a bit higher quality too.

    But if the goal was to taste what everyone else is eating, you made a valiant effort.

    However, if you want to try the best baloney sandwich ever, a road trip to Montreal is in order.

  5. I'm not a bologna fan, but I think you might have had better luck with something from the deli counter. I agree that Rolf's has a pretty good ring bologna. Very different than the typical American lunch bologna though.

    That looks like a Prinzo's hard roll. Their rolls are great.

  6. Mr. Dave here-

    Good eye, Prinzo's they be. Yeah, I figured I could get better bologna somewhere, but I wanted to try Oscar Meyer. Somehow I felt that this is the true "American" bologna experience.

  7. Love bologna. Love it.

    And I don't expect anyone else to love it. It IS a pretty gross thing to eat.

    I've never had a Big Mac, and I never will. I hate onion with a passionate fire. Hate pickles too. So a Big Mac is an automatic pass for me.

  8. Dislike bologna, any kind. But I did grow up (in New Jersey) eating something we called Taylor Ham, fried as you describe here. Fried slices of Genoa salami are a damned close approximation.

    To keep the slices flat, score them like this: scored_slice.png


  9. You can also do this with liverwurst(slices).
    On toasted bread (roll, rye; your preference), a slice of good muenster cheese (or something like it), and complemented with a Guinness Stout.

  10. i don't like most balogna very much. it reminds me of a giant sliced hot dog too :) but i have become pretty fond of turkey bologna. it's a little smoother in texture... that meaty-grittyness is part of what i don't like about beef/pork varieties. and the flavor is slightly more mellow. might be worth a try if you are feeling like you're missing out on bologna joy in your life. i recomend putting it with a thin layer of mayo on regular soft sandwich bread. it makes a nice snack :)

    on the subject of bananas. i hate them. they are the bane of my existance. the only way i can stomach them is in bannoffe pie. take a can of sweetened condensed milk, cover the unopened can in water and boil it for 8 hours to carmelize it. when it's cooled, cut up a couple bananas (or get someone else to do it if you are like me and gag at the smell of them :P) and layer in the bottom of a graham cracker crust and pour/spoon the carmelized sweetened condensed milk over it and top with whipped cream. delicious!

  11. You want good? Try mortadella and egg on a hamburger bun or hard roll! Fry the mort like you did the bologna, add an egg...yum. But warning, I LOVE bologna and all things with nitrate/ite in them. AnnieB in Guilderland

  12. Yes, Oscar Meyer is the bologna for children.

    But for adults?

    Three words: Boar's Head bologna.


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