Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Free Bread is Old People Crack



Most Price Choppers have the free bread set up, this particular one is at the Slingerland Chops. In the bread section, inevitably, you will see a basket with some wee slices of chopped bread. Adjacent, there will also be a large blob/bar of "spread." You know, a butteresque substance that does not require refrigeration. I think this is nice of them to do, I don't usually partake, but when young Giblet (2 year old female type) is howling for satisfaction a small crust of bread is often sufficient to tame the beast. So I have become well acquainted with the complimentary bread section.

Think of the free bread area like an oasis in the Sahara, only instead of lions you have old people. If I ever need to capture a supply of senior citizens then I have discovered the perfect trap. I shall set up a free bread stand on the side of the road. When the butter knife is lifted a giant basket will fall down and capture my prey.

All kidding aside, approaching the P-Chops bread stand requires care. Invariably there will be a silver fox painstakingly applying "spread" to every nook and cranny of his slice (a process that may take 5 to 10 minutes) seemingly unawares of the growing queue of bread lovers accumulating around him. It is impressive how much space a seemingly slight old gent or dame can occupy, leaving no room for an addled father to shoot in his fist to grab a bit of dry bread for his screaming daughter. Such attempts will be treated as the height of rudeness worthy of a penetrating glare.

Maybe it is a generational thing, people of a certain generation were not often offered free consumables and understandably revel in the luxury. My generation of ingrates and simps thinks nothing of it and allow themselves to get annoyed by their wizened elders, subsequently posting about it to their lame-o foodblogs, all the while feeling guilty about it....

3 comments:

  1. The title made me laugh. And then there was the rest of the post. Silver fox with a knife spreading butter. Too funny.

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  2. i think oldsters are obsessed with bread, period. my grandmother guards her bread fiercely, choosing only certain in-house made brands, and will instantly kill you with lasers of glaring hatred from her eyes if you ever smoosh her bread while bagging or in transit. she even keeps a special cardboard box in her trunk to prevent damage to her precious loaves. that said, her bread is always awesome and just about the only time i eat bread is at her house (or if i make it at home).

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  3. My mom is free bread obsessed but she gets her fix at the community center bingo game. Our local supermarket sends their day-old bread as a goodwill gesture and the elderlies really get worked up over it. My mom must do a fair amount of elbowing because she has loaves to spare as evidenced by the fact that I get weekly phone calls to come to her house and take the surplus (which I never want) off her hands.

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