Tuesday, June 26, 2012

"Mater Magic" is Tomato Crack (Mr. Dave Does Gardening)

I can claim very few talents and gardening is most definitely not one.  Gardening in Upstate New York is a journey full of pit-falls and weather related annoyances, but I can not solely lay the blame on this. Over the years my attempts at green-thumbing have been almost comically tragic. I have lovingly pampered tomato plants all season, only to be rewarded by 3 or 4 measly, worm eaten little fruits. I once grew a broccoli that gave forth one "tree" -- that would not have been fit for a single morsel on a crudit√© platter -- than immediately flowered as if to mock me. Last year, I accidentally stepped on a very promising looking pepper plant.  

Anyhow, being a new homeowner and having a nice sunny spot next to my house I decided to attempt a small kitchen garden. Among other things, I planted 3 little tomato sproutlings. Several weeks ago I was traipsing through the Home Despot (Depot) when I spied the above pictured "Natural and Organic Dynamite Mater Magic." It amused me that it was in tomato shaped container and I enjoyed bothering my wife by telling her that I was buying "Dy-no-mite Mater Magic" in a silly voice. So I, of course, plunked down the 4.95$ for the stuff figuring it couldn't hurt.

And lo, did I willfully ignore the directions printed on the packaging? Yes, yes I did. I think my refusal to follow directions on pretty much anything is the key to most of my genius (and most of my failures). I just sort of sprinkled a bit of the Mater Magic around the sproutlings and watered them as per usual.

Well weren't I just tickled when some time later I found that my plants were growing like wildfire and sprouting all manner of knubby little green bastards!

I couldn't capture the full impact of how many 'maters I got going on here. It almost looks like my plants got infected with some weird 'mater disease that manifests itself in more 'maters. I have 3 plants and probably 30-40 'maters growing.

I am pretty excited by this and attribute the success to the Mater Magic 'mater crack. However, I am sure some tragic happenstance will occur that will destroy my crop. I sense wicked garden beasties mustering their dark forces to consume my produce with their little fangs. We shall see.

I also have 2 cabbages going on that I am a bit proud of. Here is one.

Also, I am pretty excited about this little, unassuming guy.

This is a pumpkin vine. But not just any pumpkin vine... It is a MEGA PUMPKIN! At least that is the brand name. I have discovered that I have a strange liking for bombastic terminology in gardening supply advertising. Miracle-gro? Not good enough for me, I need "DYNAMITE MATER MAGIC!!!!" 

Anyhow, I am going to let Meka-Pumpkin (I changed his name to Meka-Pumpkin, also Meka-Pumpkin is a he) take over the garden after I harvest my other veggies. I am hoping that I get one giant pumpkin for carving come Halloween. We shall see about that too. I almost want to feed Meka-Pumpkin some Mater Magic, but I am afraid that he will become self-aware, grow to frightful size, sprout evil pumpkin-y tendrils, and rampage through Olde Delmar causing much suffering and grief among the populace.

I shall post more dispatches on the progress of my garden. 

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