Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Stewart's "Brand" Frozen Pizza

You haven't forgotten my enduring fascination for all things Stewart's, have you (click here for a startling amount of posts on the subject)? I came across this Stewart's "brand" frozen pizza during my sabbatical from blogging. I must have known that I would have not be able to relinquish my roll as a convenience store anthropologist as I snapped some pictures.

I have always felt that it is a somewhat dubious endeavor to risk your business' brand by slapping your name on a 3rd party product of dubious quality. I have alway's admired Stewart's because a fair amount of their products are actually produced in-house (most likely by maroon clad elves in a factory up in Saratoga County). This frozen pizza is, in fact, produced by Target (my 3.5 year old daughter Giblet refers to Target as "the red store." I find this endlessly amusing). 

As most Stewart's brand stuff is surprisingly good (with a few notable exceptions), I think that they are going out on a limb by slapping their venerable name on a frozen pizza of questionable provenance. They are probably better off just selling a third party brand. But maybe this was some sort of extraordinary frozen delicacy, truly worthy of the maroon monkier. Of course I had to purchase an example for test purposes. 

 Out of the shrink wrap we have a fairly pedestrian looking frozen pizza. I am not a big frozen pizza guy, but on a cursory inspection I was not encouraged. I followed the cooking directions to the letter, and...

The above pictured thingy is what came out of the oven... It looks like some sort of Air Force unmanned drone wind tunnel model. I think there is some Euclidean geometry at play here, parabolas or some shit. Maybe a math-nerd out there can come up with some equations to recreate this shape.

My first thought was to use the thing as a giant taco boat, but that seemed a bit piggish. I did eat a couple of slices and it was very bad. Chalky crust, insipid sauce, gummy cheese, icky "pepperoni", all tied together by some watery/greasy puddles in the middle.

So, my opinion is that if you are going to slap your brand name on something you should be held responsible for the quality. Stewart's -- you broke my heart with this one. This thing is not up to your impeccable standards. But don't worry. You know I can't stay mad at you for long.


  1. As someone who found your blog via your post on infusing tea with vodka, I want to let you know that I am very happy you have returned to blogging.

    Despite my url, I want to promise you, I am not a spam account. I can't wait to visit New York and partake in the delights you write about.

  2. That's some delightfully antiseptic lighting you've subjected that, uh, "pizza" to - the last two photos look like they were taken in a morgue. Well done, as always.

  3. What a shame. We love their ice cream, milk, and most other products. You really wouldn't expect such a tragedy. If they did want to rebrand a frozen pizza, they could have gone with a better one. Ever tried California Pizza Kitchen?

    1. Oooh, and the hard rolls/consequent breakfast sandwiches custom-made on said hard rolls. Dunkin Donuts/Mcdonalds etc... will never compare!

  4. Seriously that's just a horrible situation. No pizza should look like a wrapped up pita when it comes out of the oven.

  5. Heard of Stewart's also. Maybe there was something bad happened when it was still uncooked, however, there is still explanation needed why it came out like that. And the marketing strategy of sliced pizza and the frozen ones are not quite convincing. People go to their place for freshly cooked pizza and getting a frozen one is a major no-no for a lot of customers.

  6. I've seen other companies across the world put their brand on third party products. However, it usually looks to me like they check the quality first.


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