Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A Donut Stuffed With Brownie Batter? Is This What We Have Come To?


** Edit **

Apparently some people are reading this as a positive review or endorsement of this wretched little donut (Fussman, I am looking at you). In fact, I found it a disgusting example of food science and marketing, I though I conveyed that... I find things like the Brownie Batter Donut to be fascinating in the same way as a doctor would find a particularly nasty tumor fascinating.

Sorry, I guess I am over-subtle in my indictments sometimes....

** Edit **

It is no secret that I am absolutely fascinated by novelty fast food offerings. That is not to say that I enjoy eating the stuff or consume it on any sort of regular basis... But I am drawn, as a moth to a flame, towards all of the strange, terrible, and surreal forms into which our society has warped its food stuffs.

A mere burger or chicken sandwich interests me little, but when I see a bit of colorful advertising heralding something that makes me stop in my tracks and say, "No. No. It can't be. They can't be serious. Why does that have to exist?" I feel absolutely compelled to purchase the item and document it here on my hack blog. I fancy my self something of a fast food anthropologist and I am convinced that future generations will look back at my scribblings with bemused horror.

In the distant future, society will marvel over the strange milk shakes, rotating cylindrical horrors, and McDonald's pies that were happily shoved down maws during the present era. They will most likely suppose that these things were created by powerful shamans under the influence of mystical hallucinogens during strange rituals. Our far off descendants will wonder what purpose these strange cultures of the distant past would have for inflicting these colorful, terrible things upon their unsuspecting gullets...

Surely one of the most perplexing items to future peoples will be the mother flippin' BROWNIE BATTER DONUT. Yes, you heard me right. Dunkin Donuts is peddling a BROWNIE flippin' BATTER DONUT. As in, a heart shaped donut stuffed with "brownie batter." Take a second, let the concept of a brownie batter donut wash over your brain. It is a sweet breakfast confection with its guts composed of the uncooked batter of another sweet dessert.... It is a recursive dessert. Dessert inception. I see desserts within desserts... Careful when you gaze upon the below picture lest you descend into dessert² madness.


Don't get me wrong here folks, I will admit to having licked a brownie spoon or two in my day. But separating the singular experience of licking a brownie spoon from the actual act of making brownies is a sort of culinary heresy. Brownie batter is to be enjoyed on the very rare occasions when one is actually making brownies, I believe that that is a fundamental law of the universe. Brownie batter available at will is a world gone mad. Frankly, I am scared by this donut. Scared.

In any event, Dunkin Donuts frickin' nailed the "brownie batter" experience right down to the gritty bite of raw granulated sugar. This stuff tastes just like cheep Betty Crocker batter that your Momma might have made. So if you are looking to recreate the childhood experience of spoon licking this donut is for you (I guess...).

I don't really have much more to say, the whole Brownie Batter donut concept kind of threw me for a loop. I am usually a little more bemused by these sorts of confections, but this is sort of a bunker buster/"shock and awe"concept among the world of novelty fast food items. To take a bite is to look into the void.

7 comments:

  1. Fyi, this doughnut is the same as the star shaped "Cocoa" doughnut that was promoted for Men In Black 3... They simply changed the name & shape for the current season. (and its sinfully delicious)!

    I'm curious to go back on ur blog to see if you commented on that particular doughnut..

    ReplyDelete
  2. While you were flabbergasted by its existence, you referenced "Mom" and the recreation of childhood experiences. That coupled with the observation that Dunkin', "Nailed the 'brownie batter' experience" led me to believe you actually held some degree of affection for the stuff, despite the "Culinary heresy."

    Yes, it's clear you the thing holds some degree of revulsion to you, yet you also can't look away.

    You sir, are a complicated man. Thanks for the clarification.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Geez, take it easy. It is just one freaking donut, that of and in itself, is not going to kill you. Any of you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. you guys are assholes.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Don't eat it then... it looks good to me. :p

    ReplyDelete

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