Tuesday, September 24, 2013

French Fry Burger, For Science!

Could I simply drive by a Burger King with a big ol' sign hawking a "French Fry Burger" without stopping in to try one? No, no I could not. When it comes to fast food I am not merely Mr. Dave... I am Dr. Dave, professor of fast food studies. I really can't help myself and feel compelled to sample all of the strange and horrible novelty items hawked by our age's multitude of fast food vendors.

Oh yes, by the way -- check out my hip square pictures... I am very trendy and up to the minute with my iOS7 camera options.

Seriously Burger King? "French Fry Burger?" Are we even trying anymore? Now don't get me wrong, I am sort of a fan of crispy potatoes in sammitches. Egg n' cheese w/home fries? Yes please. Turkey on whole wheat with a few wrinkly Lays? Where do I sign up... But "French Fy Burger?" I don't know about all of that. But I am willing to try it. For science!

It is on the dollar menu so at least is only a dollar. Unwrapping my prize I noticed that the beef patty was not immediately apparent. For a minute I thought that I really may have been given a "french fry burger." But I opened up that bad boy and...

That is flippin' disgusting right there. I don't understand the BK thought process -- "Hrmmm, let's see... How about we take some marginally crisp French fries, squirt ketchup on them, slather them with mayonnaise, slap on some limp, wet, nasty iceberg lettuce, put it all on an anemic burger patty, and then sandwich it between two warm buns and wrap it in wax paper to steam? It will be a textural sensation!"...

Seriously. I can see the appeal of crispy fries on top of a burger -- but the "French Fry Burger" is so heinously executed as to defy imagination. 4 limp, wet, soggy fries on a ketchup/mayo/lettuce burger is vile. Why don't they just give you 4 fries in a wee bag and tell you to put them on a burger? That would make more sense I guess. And why can't it just be the normal ketchup/mustard/pickle/onion sort of burger?

Furthermore, what the hell is BK's obsession with mayo? Seemingly every sandwich-y type thing on their menu includes mayo. As an avowed mayonnaise hater this frankly puts me off my lunch. I can think of nothing nastier in this world than a hearty schmear of cheap mayo with warm iceberg lettuce swimming in it. Barf. Blech. Barf.

In any event, I had to push as much of the lettuce and mayo off as I could to even attempt a bite without retching.

I took one bite and that is all she wrote. I pretty much only eat fast food during these blog-post experiment sort of things. So if I am going to punish my GI tract with the junk I want it to be, at the very least, an interesting experience. None of that here. Bland, soggy, flavorless garbage. The BK "French Fry Burger" is absolute garbage. Rarely do I take such a strong stance on an item, but this is just a sub par fast food novelty concept. Boo on you King of Burgers! Shame on your burger kingdom!

Once again, I suffered that you might not have to. Do not get a "French Fry Burger." It is nasty.

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