Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Canned Haggis, Tatties and Neeps. Yum. (From 2008)

Here it is folks! As promised, one glorious can of yummy, meaty Lamb Haggis! Just delivered from the fine folks at the Caledonian Kitchen.

The first ingredients are in order: Water, Lamb, Hydrated Pinhead Oats, Beef Liver, and Refined Beef Suet. R-e-f-i-n-e-d spells delicious!!! In case you are watching your figure this one 14.5 ounce can contains 1320 calories and 212% of your daily saturated fat intake. Thats all that tasty beef suet working around in there.

Lets crack this bad boy open and see whats shaking. The odyssey begins.

OK, upon opening the can you are literally punched in the face by the smell. The smell of this crap is like concentrated corned beef hash stank mixed with that gamy smell particular to lamb. Some how I do not think the choice chops of lamb made it into this mess. I think I caught a sniff of mechanically separated lamb anus. My kitchen was completely hotboxed in like 6 seconds. My wife who is currently incubating my minion (pregnant) headed for the hills cursing me in some strange gypsy tongue.

Oh good god! After shaking it out of its can I was a little disappointed that the wee haggis was not ensconced in some thing's stomach. But disappointment quickly faded against the strength of the stench that shook even my Anglo-Scots soul to its foundation. How to prepare this jiggling column of lamb scrote and oatmeal? I decided upon the traditional treatment of Haggis, Tatties, and Neeps. I decided to substitute Parsnip for the, in my opinion, nasty Scottish Turnip (rutabaga) which represents the Neep part of the dish.

First I sliced a couple half inch rounds of the Haggis and browned them well in a generous amount of butter.

While this was working I set a large peeled Yukon gold potato and a peeled parsnip to boil in salted water. You are gonna want to boil these until tender but not mushy.

When these are done (about 20 minutes), dry, cool somewhat, chop into symmetrical
cubes, and saute until crisp on all sides.

Next, reduce a couple jiggers of single malt scotch until syrupy. Add a half cup of whipping cream and reduce further for a couple minutes. Season, and finish with some finely chopped parsley.

I served these two rounds of haggisy goodness with points of good German Schinkenbrot, the crisped tatties and neeps, a drizzle of the whiskey cream sauce, and a sprinkling of chopped parsley.

Next step, Dig In!!! Yum!!! Immediately break out remaining single malt, fix a pint glass size whiskey and water, gargle, spit, repeat until rotting, fatty, nasty, gamy, lamby ass funky shit taste dissipates.

Seriously folks, this is slap your children gross. It is a food with which the ass smell is locked in mortal combat with the ass taste for supremacy.

Verdict: I fed this to my cats and then felt bad for them.

Bookmark and Share


  1. Glad you enjoyed your healthy low-fat treat. But surely neeps are traditionally turnips, not parsnips?

  2. Yes, as I stated in the post I used parsnips because I hate turnips.

  3. Pageturners - Although one would think "neeps" are parsnips, Scottish "neeps" are rutabagas (B. n. napobrassica). The name comes from the Swedish "rotabagge", which is why this vegetable is also called a "Swede" or "Swedish turnip" in England. Absolutely do not use American turnips as a substitute, as the taste simply will not work as well.

  4. Erm a Scotsman here. What you just did was the equivalent of someone taking a slice of white bread, putting some ketchup on it, topping it with a slice of Kraft processed cheese, microwaving it and saying "wow, pizza sucks!".

    Perhaps this might help - http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2009/jan/23/haggis-recipe-burns-night

  5. He ate a "haggis in a tin" tried to make it taste nice, and then found that it didn't before declaring "haggis in a tin" sucks.

    He didn't say anything about haggis. Try reading more carefully!

  6. You should try to obtain some tinned haggis that's actually made in Scotland; I'm sure you'll be impressed by the difference.

  7. Perhaps you should have read the instructions on the tin. I too feel bad for your cats, but only cos their owner is a dick.

  8. Huh, I remember the canned haggis I bought back from Scotland more than a decade ago. Came in a synthetic sheep's bung too. Flavored with some strong scotch. Not bad, but the real stuff was better.

  9. Funniest and best description of a ridiculous food I have read lately! Keep up the good work. You may need to set up a donation button for vet visits if you keep giving your cats the leftovers!

  10. Awesome. Your poor cats!

    Love your blog - and yes, some "outlanders" do read it, so towns are helpful. I'm a downstater who passes through your crossroads several times a year, so I'm always looking for something tastier than highway fare. Keeping a list in the car. Thanks Dave!

  11. This blog is so awesome!

    I stumbled upon it after watching the show 'Chopped' tonight on the Food Network. It was a re-run of one of the episodes where actual Food Network chefs are competing against one another, so it was pretty funny watching them get canned haggis in their mystery baskets.

    I think only one of them was really familiar with it, although he had never had it canned before.

    The judges and the chefs were grossed out by the smell of the haggis, but the judges actually seemed to enjoy the dishes they came up with that used it.

    Loved reading your comments about it! Hope the kitties have never had to chow down on it again! =^..^=


  12. I was literally laughing out loud! You have certainly changed my mind about bringing this stuff back from my visit to Scotland. If I like it over there, I will wait until I'm back home and go to the one restaurant in St. Louis, Mo. (The Scottish Arms) to have my family try. Thanks for the wonderfully detailed experience. Still giggling....

  13. I was literally laughing out loud! You've certainly changed my mind about bringing this stuff home with me when I go to Scotland this year. If I like it over there, I will wait until I'm back home and have my family try it at the one Scottish restaurant in St. Louis, Mo. (The Scottish Arms) Thanks so much for the step by step, detailed experience. Still giggling..

  14. "Next step, Dig In!!! Yum!!! Immediately break out remaining single malt, fix a pint glass size whiskey and water, gargle, spit, repeat until rotting, fatty, nasty, gamy, lamby ass funky shit taste dissipates."

    Ha! Priceless!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
var linkwithin_site_id = 402051;